maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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