Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
