I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
