one word: firstdatebathroomanal
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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