I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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