So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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