when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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