I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
