My first STD was from a foam party
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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