at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
