I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
