Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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