Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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