It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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