..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
operation have a gay friend backfired
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
