They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
