my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
