Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
soo... how was my night?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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