Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
