It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
