I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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