It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
