onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
