I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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