Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
