Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm getting married
To pizza
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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