i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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