The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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