kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
