I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
