I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
