i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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