I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
