Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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