his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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