I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
