I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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