I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
