Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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