her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
