Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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