There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
