What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
