Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
