we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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