Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
