There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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