the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
