remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
is that a dick in a sweater?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
