I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
There's even glitter on my cock...
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