For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
